Time to break the silence

I’m sorry, it’s been too long.

You might remember, long time ago I mentioned about a baby on the way… I gave birth to a lovely baby boy in June. He’s now three and a half months old, outgrown many outfits and learned how to hold on to things. He’s a smiley, happy boy and lovely to hang out with. 

The first half of my pregnancy was a nightmare. I was sick all the time, sometimes throwing up from five in the morning until ten at night. There were days when I probably should have gone to the hospital but I didn’t have the strength… I’m thankful I had an understanding boss – I was calling in sick so much…

After about four months of that it got better. I wasn’t throwing up every day anymore, just feeling nauseous but it didn’t really bother me since food stayed in… And once I got to seven months I was really enjoying being pregnant. The bigger my belly grew the more beautiful I felt. I had energy, I was feeling great.

I also enjoyed giving birth. It was a long day – the labour started at 6am, Jacob was born at 9pm. Afterwards I felt like I had run two marathons back to back… But I enjoyed every moment. I gave birth at home, in a tub in our living room. And it really wasn’t that painful – there were some intense moments but overall, it was fun. I’m still working on my birth story; once I finish it I’ll post it here. I find that there are things I want to say but it’s difficult to find words.

And now I’m a mother. No matter what happens, nothing will take that away from me. I feel complete, like I’ve finally become what I was meant to be. Sure, there are moments that I don’t enjoy so much. I’ve sat on the couch at 2am, crying because I’m so tired and the boy doesn’t want to go back to sleep after feeding… I’ve yelled at my hubby for no reason just because I was too frustrated with everything and just wanted to walk away. There are times when Jacob cries and we have no idea why, nothing we do makes him stop… There are times when I just want my freedom back, I want to be able to go to places without being attached to a small person… Or when I just want to be able to finish a meal or a cup of tea while they’re still warm.

But it’s all worth it. Jacob’s smile and giggles are enough. Other people’s smiles, when they see him in the carrier, sleeping and drooling on me, are enough. And cold tea really doesn’t taste that bad.

 

Old neighbour

Just across the street from us is a small, white house. When we moved here four years ago, we would often hear music playing in the house on summer nights. It was good old times music, from 1940′s and 50′s – the kind that makes you want to waltz on the street.

The lone resident of the house was a little old lady. I didn’t get to know her very well, I just said hello every now and then when I saw her. I think she was half deaf, her music was so loud and she spoke loudly as well. She had a cat, we heard her calling her cat in the evenings.

Almost two years ago in the fall I saw an ambulance picking her up. She was on the stretcher, and asking about her cat. Another lady was there, her caregiver, I think. She promised the old lady to find the cat and take care of it. The ambulance left, that’s the last I saw of the old lady. Her caregiver locked up the house, didn’t worry about the cat but left.

I’ve often wondered what happened to the lady. Maybe she ended up in a care home somewhere. The house has been empty ever since, there has been no more music on the street. I’ve also wondered what was the fate of the cat – maybe one of the cats I’ve seen around was hers? I was hoping the old lady would return, and I had decided to get to know her better if she ever came back home.

Today there was a truck from 1-800-got-junk in front of the house, and young guys were emptying the house, loading up furniture and everything. Somehow it made me really sad. I realized once again how little we know about our neighbours. I have no idea if the old lady is still alive or not. She’s clearly not coming back home if she’s still alive – I will never find out more about her.

It feels like our lives are like a loosely woven rug – we see each other in the street and maybe say hello but don’t get to know each other. But loose rugs don’t last long, they are fragile and come apart easily. I would love to be part of a tightly woven community where people care about each other and know each other. I realize a place like that can be tough to live in – I grew up in a small village where everyone knew who I was and what I was up to. But there’s a security in a place like that – if anything had ever happened to me my parents would have heard about it really quickly.

It also bothers me that it was the Got Junk guys who were loading up the perfectly good furniture. Is it going to end up at the dump? Such waste if it does… I hope they have some other way of disposing of the good stuff, i.e. giving it to charity or something… But this is a minor concern… I’m just sad I never got to know the old lady.

 

Small person, big trouble

Happy new year to all, finally… I’m sorry I have been so silent lately. Like I mentioned before Christmas, there is a good reason for it…

I found out in the beginning of November that I’m pregnant! It’s exciting news; we’ve been hoping to increase our family size for some time now. However, it hasn’t been an easy ride. I’ve been sick a lot; it’s not only morning sickness but morning, afternoon and night… I’ll spare you the details.

It’s definitely had an impact on my daily life, though. My energy level has been and continues to be very low, and that’s the main reason it’s been quiet in this blog. It just hasn’t been one of my priorities lately. (What have been my priorities, you ask? Let’s see… Resting, trying to eat, napping, trying to think of something else to eat… Some knitting. Going to work sometimes. That’s it, really…)

I’m hoping to hit that second trimester energy wave soon… So far second trimester hasn’t been much different from the first but hopefully that’ll change. Then I’ll be updating the blog a little more as well. I promise.

 

Merry Christmas!

Dear friends,

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing. There is a good reason for it, and I will share more about that in January. However, for now I’m just going to wish you all Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I’ll definitely see you again in January.

 

Guilty

Your Honour, I know I’m guilty.

I plead guilty to all the charges as they are stated. But please, let me explain.

See, the yarn was just way too irresistible. When I first saw it I could not get my eyes off it. Its silky softness was lovely against my cheek, and the colours… The colours are just a full reflection of a northern forest, the kind of environment I’m most at home in.

I bought the yarn to be a gift. I was honestly planning to give it away – but it was impossible not to knit it.

And then there was the pattern… When I first saw it I did not like it. However, it was pulling me like a magnet when I was looking for patterns – to give as a gift with the yarn, initially. There was something in the pattern that I thought would go so well with the different shades of green in the yarn… The soft leaf shapes in the lace, the airiness of it…

Then I made the final decision, to cast on. To use the yarn and find another one to give as a gift. I did not realize what the consequences would be.

I did not know that this pattern would be so incredibly captivating. I did not know that it would distract me from everything – from school, from blogging, from preparing for the Christmas craft sale season. I did not know that, your Honour. I am guilty of casting on a new, big project when I really did not have the time for it. But I meant no harm. And I have not done any harm to anyone but myself.

 

EtsyBlogger’s featured seller – October edition

As you may remember, our EtsyBlogger team has a featured blogger for each month. This month’s feature is a delight! Margaret from Splendid Little Stars and Sparkly Park (yes, she has two shops!) blogs at  http://splendidlittlestars.blogspot.com/ and her blog is just wonderful. I hadn’t read it before she came up as a featured blogger but I’ve added it to my list of favourites, to return again some time. Her photos are phenomenal, her vocabulary probably three times larger than average person’s (my kind of a woman!) and besides, she likes cats. And she writes often, which is always a plus!

So check out her blog. And her shops…

 

Mood

I’m feeling frustrated with life today.

I get these moments every now and then… Especially now that I’m approaching my 30th birthday. I’m looking back, thinking of everything I was dreaming of ten years ago, and thinking how far I am from it…

I was supposed to be the one who defies all the rules of tradition. I was supposed to be the one who spends her life backpacking in the developing world, fundraising for non-profits or living as a missionary… The unconventional, unrealistic, unreasonable one.

But here I am… Far away from home but still in the developing, comfortable world. Married (which is not bad – I did find a man of my dreams and did not settle for anything less) and dreaming of owning a house, starting a family… Working random jobs that I’m more or less excited about… Trying to run a business that I’m not sure I believe in… Nothing like I was supposed to be at 30.

The question I’m trying to answer is: Is it OK? Can it not be a bad thing that life is different that anticipated? Should I feel like I’ve lost something – or should I feel like I’ve gained something I never expected? I’m not sure about the answer right now.

 

Beginnings

I have a new job.

For the past year, I’ve been working in an office for a non-profit organization. I learned very quickly that I was not made to sit and stare at a computer screen eight hours a day… I stayed there, however, because it was easier than trying to find something else. Go figure…

Last month I finally had enough… I quit, not knowing what to do next.

Someone I know owns a bakery, and a friend recommended I should ask him whether they are hiring. I did, and they were. And last week I started my new job! I work in the bakery store, selling goodies, stocking shelves, etc, and I am loving it! I love the fact that I can be on my feet and interact with other people, not just sit and stare at a screen. There is a lot of walking and lifting involved, and I’m happy to do that – so much better than a chair and a desk. The best part? No, it’s not the free samples that come with the job… It’s waking up in the morning, not trying to think of an excuse to call in sick. I actually wake up excited to go to work, and that alone would be enough.

I guess it tells something that this is my second week at the new job, and I still don’t know how much I’m getting paid… I keep forgetting to ask – it doesn’t seem so important…

Another beginning: About a month ago my friend gathered a group of young women together for a knitting club. There are four of us, and I’m the teacher / mentor for the group since I have the most knitting experience. One of the girls had never knitted before, another had tried a few times, and third was quite good already with knitting and purling. We started meeting once a week, and these meetings have become a source of strength and friendship to me. I did not know two of the girls at all before but it’s amazingly easy to connect with people while knitting…

In the month that we’ve been learning together all the girls have learned how to knit and purl, how to read basic patterns and how to increase and decrease. They are smart, aren’t they? One has even learned how to knit in round; she really wanted to make a pair of legwarmers…

The best part of the group, though, is not the knitting (What? No?) but the deep discussions we end up having. We talk about life and death, work and relationships, in a very open, caring way. Ever since I moved to Canada almost seven years ago I’ve missed that kind of girl company. I have friends, yes, but there’s just something when you have a group of like-minded people who get together regularly, whether it is for knitting or not. I really hope that as long as we all live in the same area we can continue to meet once a week, for the next 40 years if possible.

 

Preserving the summer

Summer is long gone – but I managed to capture some of it.

My morsels of summer live in glass jars. I have jars of strawberry, blueberry, apricot and peach jams. I have watermelon pickles (made of the green rind of melon – totally delicious) as well as pickled beets and green tomatoes. And some blackberry jam and pickled cucumbers from a friend whom I got excited about canning. Trading jars with a friend is a great way to expand the variety of canned goods without much extra work.

I would still like to make some more – I’m thinking of pear jam or chutney, rowan berry jelly and maybe salsa… But I’m afraid I’m running out of room for more jars. (I’m also running out of jars but that is easier to fix…) Our kitchen is very small, we have no pantry, and while I’ve been considering storing some in the laundry room (shared with a neighbour) I have so far stayed in our own territory. This morning I had to create more space and reorganize – some kitchen shelves were bending under the weight. I’m saying goodbye to a set of serving dishes that we’ve only used twice while hosting a bigger party – we can live without them. Now I have another half a shelf for my lovely jars…

This morning I also prepared the garden for winter. I did one final round of weeding and spread a layer of compost on the surface. Once the leaves start falling I’ll add a layer of those on top of the soil. They will break down over the winter and create a nutritious layer of mulch for next summer’s vegetables. The only thing still growing in the garden is a little batch of winter greens. They can stay, we’ll keep eating them for a few more months.

 

Chocolate overdose, here we come…

Recipe time! I discovered this one in The Brownie Lover’s Bible by Lisa Slater. It’s a dangerous book…

These cookies are sort of a hybrid between cookies and brownies. They are really chocolate-y and really delicious. I can only eat maybe two at a time, and for a seasoned chocolate lover that is quite a surprising limit…

Brownie Blobs (yes, that’s the name…)
Yield: According to recipe, 22. I made 32 and they were still big.

1/2 c (112g)   butter
100g                 unsweetened chocolate
1/4 c (75ml)  cocoa
1 c (250ml)    brown sugar
3                         eggs
1 tbsp               vanilla or kahlua
3 tbsp               all-purpose flour
1/4 tsp             salt
1/4 tsp             baking soda
1lb (450g)      milk chocolate in chunks (yes, 1lb, it’s not a mistake!)
1/2lb (250g) chopped pecans

Melt the unsweetened chocolate and butter together. Whisk in cocoa and brown sugar. Let cool for 10 min.

Beat in eggs and vanilla or kahlua.

Mix together flour, salt and baking soda; add into the chocolate mixture and stir to combine.

Fold in milk chocolate chunks and pecans. Some of the milk chocolate may melt and that’s OK.

Scoop cookies onto a cookie sheet, leaving plenty of space in between. Bake in pre-heated oven in 350F / 175C for 10min; make sure not to overbake! Let cool for 5min before moving the cookies onto a wire rack to cool completely.

Please enjoy responsibly! An overdose may result in shaky hands, bouncy movements, heart palpitations and shortness of breath. These cookies are especially dangerous while driving on a highway. Just sayin’….